school's over! I got an A in politics...sooo easy to please those fucking '68 teachers...
started working two days ago...don't miss school that much...miss someone, but that's alright...not out of the world. working is funny...newspaper was there and all people are like "Oh, I'm so sorry that you quit..." to my boss. I'm sorry, too.But also, because I know how much of his life he wasted for this shop and that this fucking construction site (which is now directly in front of the shop) is killing his buisness since january...and also that a H. is now in switzerland, but he ain't driving up and down anymore (my summerplan!), cause he's moving there completely...
met the new boss...I don't know what to think of...but at least she said that I can finish my apprentienceship in that shop...kind of cool...since school is over and all those circumstances (getting up very early, being tired as hell, emotionally fuck ups, emptiness,...) my inner balance has become better.went to some antifascist actions on saturday.baby L. joined (for the first time!)...so I had kinda protect her...hope it wasn't too much...whole city of FFM was full of cops...so the actions were kind of uncoordinated and spontanous...so I tried to get us away from the cops, after we lost all people...and that was like getting out of it completely...the actions got kind of wild and heavily and the cops arrested over 170 people ...I don't know if I was too protective...the whole thing was (like mostly kind of) dissatisfying. an army of cops managed the rally of a bunch of nazis...against heavily resistance...railwaystations got occupied and (some bushes) got burned...we didn't see anything of it, because of my protectiveness...I didn't wanted her to get captured, injured or anything else...for what? it was helpless to push through to the (militant) nazis and she wasn't out to fight...the whole thing had anyway the outlook of a soccer-hooligan battle...it was all in all kinda stupid and ...I don't wanna call it senseless, because antifascism is never senseless, but very uncoordinated...
still reading: dostojewski:demons, biography of walter benjamin, schulte-varendorff: kolonialheld für kaiser und führer, general lettow-vorbeck, monography of jean paul marat, monography of lion feuchtwanger,...and always rolf dieter brinkmann
Mittwoch, 11. Juli 2007
Dienstag, 19. Juni 2007
"do you want some schneeeeeeeeeetzel??!!"
weekend was a full blast!! went to see 3 shows in a row...converge,sonic youth,ted leo.......
friday was converge...went there with our californian visitor R., baby L. was working at the show...(poor baby L., she's not THAT much into hardcore...^^).spent a super time with R., don't know anybody who is so extroverted and communicative...told anyone about his rideshare ride from berlin to WI, with the gay driver who wanted to feed him schnitzels...so the whole evening was like:"do you want some schneeeeeeeetzel?" and "mit-fahr-ge-legen-heit"...a lot of kids had been to the show, so he got to know on one evening the whole scene...even xTx was there...converge was quite okay, but it took me some songs to get into it...liked more the encore... and I hate that stupid singer:"thank you...we've got a few more songs...", so nervy, like ray cappo, or so...total idiot...I like the other guy's voice much more...anyway, good moshing music, timeless...
the bands before sucked or were boring...stupid copies of copies of copies...80 % of the audience sucked, too....well, hardcore shows...they have the same attraction to assholes like a piece of shit towards flies...
after the show, we went to artist's school, over the big river to neighbour town, where was a little party...baby L. knew the dj's and R. was immediatly the epicenter of the whole spot...dude! you rock like hell!...the girls at the party are still talking about you...never seen such an awesome dancing show since I watched the last jim carrey movie...we danced till the morning light and R. was doing his kind of moonwalking squaredance mongo thing and we left heartbroken J. behind us, cause he seemed to have found a better cure than alcohol at this party...
next day R. left for amsterdam and baby L. and I were soooo kaputt from the nite/morning before that we didn't made it to sonic youth until the encors...but that was great and worth going...I like their sound, these hard to tell sounds, which they're fabricating through their amplifiers...simply awesome...
we went to bed like zombies into their graves....
sunday was ted leo...never listened to him that much..just knew about citizen's arrest, chisel and xTx talked about that he played bass at rorschach...show was great...even baby L. liked it...as an encore they did a stiff little fingers cover...great!!!
wrote two exams today and the next one is on thursday, so most of the week is full of learning...weekend gave me a kick and back to life (also that I didn't went to school on friday and saturday was free). I still have big problems with that kind of institution, but the next days and weeks will be filled with learning and tests and exams...also shitty..but after that it's over...wonder if I still can hold contact to M.....maybe it's even easier, because we don't see each other face to face everyday and we're not living in two completly seperated worlds...(we do, but not like this right now...)...it's a funny "friendship" anyway...don't know if I could call it like this...sometimes communication seemes to be very onesided...but maybe from both ways...I tried to stick around at the "Libresso" today and even played some rounds of billard with mr. J. , but I couldn't take it that long there, the bad music is killing me (although I managed that M. was connecting my mp3-player to the stereo...but she didn't play anything...and I was feeling more and more unconfortable in this "juzi"-situation and I took off when the rest of the school appeared for their fucking coffee break and buddy-ism...I'm feeling that I'm not one of them...I'm still out...
she's a nice person and is always treating me well...it's just my kind of "feeling so alienated"- thing that brings the distance from time to time between us...and all the things that are going on there which I'm not in.........I don't know........two worlds....seems there ain't nuthin' to change about it.....
friday was converge...went there with our californian visitor R., baby L. was working at the show...(poor baby L., she's not THAT much into hardcore...^^).spent a super time with R., don't know anybody who is so extroverted and communicative...told anyone about his rideshare ride from berlin to WI, with the gay driver who wanted to feed him schnitzels...so the whole evening was like:"do you want some schneeeeeeeetzel?" and "mit-fahr-ge-legen-heit"...a lot of kids had been to the show, so he got to know on one evening the whole scene...even xTx was there...converge was quite okay, but it took me some songs to get into it...liked more the encore... and I hate that stupid singer:"thank you...we've got a few more songs...", so nervy, like ray cappo, or so...total idiot...I like the other guy's voice much more...anyway, good moshing music, timeless...
the bands before sucked or were boring...stupid copies of copies of copies...80 % of the audience sucked, too....well, hardcore shows...they have the same attraction to assholes like a piece of shit towards flies...
after the show, we went to artist's school, over the big river to neighbour town, where was a little party...baby L. knew the dj's and R. was immediatly the epicenter of the whole spot...dude! you rock like hell!...the girls at the party are still talking about you...never seen such an awesome dancing show since I watched the last jim carrey movie...we danced till the morning light and R. was doing his kind of moonwalking squaredance mongo thing and we left heartbroken J. behind us, cause he seemed to have found a better cure than alcohol at this party...
next day R. left for amsterdam and baby L. and I were soooo kaputt from the nite/morning before that we didn't made it to sonic youth until the encors...but that was great and worth going...I like their sound, these hard to tell sounds, which they're fabricating through their amplifiers...simply awesome...
we went to bed like zombies into their graves....
sunday was ted leo...never listened to him that much..just knew about citizen's arrest, chisel and xTx talked about that he played bass at rorschach...show was great...even baby L. liked it...as an encore they did a stiff little fingers cover...great!!!
wrote two exams today and the next one is on thursday, so most of the week is full of learning...weekend gave me a kick and back to life (also that I didn't went to school on friday and saturday was free). I still have big problems with that kind of institution, but the next days and weeks will be filled with learning and tests and exams...also shitty..but after that it's over...wonder if I still can hold contact to M.....maybe it's even easier, because we don't see each other face to face everyday and we're not living in two completly seperated worlds...(we do, but not like this right now...)...it's a funny "friendship" anyway...don't know if I could call it like this...sometimes communication seemes to be very onesided...but maybe from both ways...I tried to stick around at the "Libresso" today and even played some rounds of billard with mr. J. , but I couldn't take it that long there, the bad music is killing me (although I managed that M. was connecting my mp3-player to the stereo...but she didn't play anything...and I was feeling more and more unconfortable in this "juzi"-situation and I took off when the rest of the school appeared for their fucking coffee break and buddy-ism...I'm feeling that I'm not one of them...I'm still out...
she's a nice person and is always treating me well...it's just my kind of "feeling so alienated"- thing that brings the distance from time to time between us...and all the things that are going on there which I'm not in.........I don't know........two worlds....seems there ain't nuthin' to change about it.....
Montag, 11. Juni 2007
...doing time
I'm feeling like shit...physically and mentally...school gets me down deeper and deeper.sucks so much energy out of me.feeling always so deadly tired and exhausted, hot weather gives me the final blow...I'm feeling more and more alienated of this whole thing and I'm feeling often terribly lonely.got problems at home cause I'm not a very big hand at the household right now...I'm totally sucking, cause I have no time.baby l. gives me shit for this...makes me sad, but I feel she's right.
this prison feeling ... my days are planned...getting up at 5.30...busstop...centralstation...subwaystation...busstop...school...two hours...short break...one hour...coffeebreak (not for me...)...two hours...big break (others are having lunch...go to their rooms...I try to kill this one and a half hour...)...another three hours with a short break in the middle...then: busstop, subway, railwaystation, walking home, 'cause I can't see any public transports anymore...getting home:hell of obligations, before...eating...going to bed...I'm a fucking con doing time.shit!
can't get into the world of the people there...tried to get closer...can't explain...broken communication...feeling like an outsider...no energy to discuss that matter...I'm insecure...I don't get which role I'm playing in this whole game...but games have only winners and losers...and statistics...I can't win in that whole game...I'm feeling lonely...miss so many people...miss so many things...
but on thursday r. from SF is visiting us...and it's my "free" weekend...and we'll go out moshing to converge and sonic youth are going to play on saturday!!!...I'm sooooooooooo much looking forward to that...
this prison feeling ... my days are planned...getting up at 5.30...busstop...centralstation...subwaystation...busstop...school...two hours...short break...one hour...coffeebreak (not for me...)...two hours...big break (others are having lunch...go to their rooms...I try to kill this one and a half hour...)...another three hours with a short break in the middle...then: busstop, subway, railwaystation, walking home, 'cause I can't see any public transports anymore...getting home:hell of obligations, before...eating...going to bed...I'm a fucking con doing time.shit!
can't get into the world of the people there...tried to get closer...can't explain...broken communication...feeling like an outsider...no energy to discuss that matter...I'm insecure...I don't get which role I'm playing in this whole game...but games have only winners and losers...and statistics...I can't win in that whole game...I'm feeling lonely...miss so many people...miss so many things...
but on thursday r. from SF is visiting us...and it's my "free" weekend...and we'll go out moshing to converge and sonic youth are going to play on saturday!!!...I'm sooooooooooo much looking forward to that...
Montag, 28. Mai 2007
short break
had some free days. was good. spent most of the time sleeping...zzzzzzzzzz...easy gifts for a wheel in the machine...my sweetheart L. hadn't got to work that weekend...that was soooo damn good...spending time together is such a precious thing in modern capitalism. It's good to see that there's a life besides working/school/university (which should have been above it!) and without the fucking alarm-clock...the controlling instrument next to your bed!!
yes, this shit makes me angry, when I'm thinking about all the wasted time for others benefits...
but I'm cool now. Yesterday was a nice show at the slaughterhouse, met nice people...(and some creepy ones).xTx's band was playing.great as always, although I stood only for the last three songs on front...but that was worth it!little bit going out, little bit moshing, friends, that's all what I need to regenerate and gives me power to go on with that endless struggle, that everybody has to fight...yep, I'm sysiphos...you not?...
I met C-Y and S, which was a swell and Baby L. was asking C-Y if she wouldn't like starting a band...let's see. But she also is asking H and U, which is pretty more concrete...but well, let's see!
The creepy person I met is JB. He's a part of my past and still living in that...He told me about all this fucked up people from my town. Guys like L, B, Y, JR, JB2, G... all fucked up...still hanging around at the fountain, drunk and stoned as fuck and hang out with the village youth, they even got their Mofas back...this is really decline in its purest ways...the thought of going back there one day, while visiting my mom, sis or so, and meeting one of these fucking bastards makes me wanna puke. shit!that's a creepy vision... I hate that area so much and my wasted days of youth with assholes like them......
I didn't tell JB where I'm actually living or what I'm doing...don't want him to come around...bad memories of our times of hanging out together...I told him I would wash corpses at the clinic... so now the village knows that;) that's kind of funny...harharhar...fucking bloody dumbfuck bastards GO TO HELL!!! (well, that's where they are already...my hometown!)
yes, this shit makes me angry, when I'm thinking about all the wasted time for others benefits...
but I'm cool now. Yesterday was a nice show at the slaughterhouse, met nice people...(and some creepy ones).xTx's band was playing.great as always, although I stood only for the last three songs on front...but that was worth it!little bit going out, little bit moshing, friends, that's all what I need to regenerate and gives me power to go on with that endless struggle, that everybody has to fight...yep, I'm sysiphos...you not?...
I met C-Y and S, which was a swell and Baby L. was asking C-Y if she wouldn't like starting a band...let's see. But she also is asking H and U, which is pretty more concrete...but well, let's see!
The creepy person I met is JB. He's a part of my past and still living in that...He told me about all this fucked up people from my town. Guys like L, B, Y, JR, JB2, G... all fucked up...still hanging around at the fountain, drunk and stoned as fuck and hang out with the village youth, they even got their Mofas back...this is really decline in its purest ways...the thought of going back there one day, while visiting my mom, sis or so, and meeting one of these fucking bastards makes me wanna puke. shit!that's a creepy vision... I hate that area so much and my wasted days of youth with assholes like them......
I didn't tell JB where I'm actually living or what I'm doing...don't want him to come around...bad memories of our times of hanging out together...I told him I would wash corpses at the clinic... so now the village knows that;) that's kind of funny...harharhar...fucking bloody dumbfuck bastards GO TO HELL!!! (well, that's where they are already...my hometown!)
Dienstag, 22. Mai 2007
folsom prison
Feeling lost, lonely, captured...depressive...school sucks! (whatelse?)
I don't know, why I'm sooooo down...Everything is sucking...although noone really treats me bad or something...it's just a feeling...sometimes I just wanna sit down and cry...thought that shit is over (maybe I'm deep inside still a fucking emo). I love my baby and my baby loves me, so whatthefuck?...I should be happy...but it has nothing to do with it...I can't explain this deep feeling of being down and out, so that you wanna cry and also this longing for people that I hold so dear and are so far away...On the other hand I'm unable to communicate...It's something from before, from my past, a mechanism that tells me:no you can't bother other poeple, if you are feeling irrationally down like this, cause you obviously have no real problems...the other people are always in big shit...that's not good...can't help 'em and this makes the situation even worse...vicious circle...
Fact is, that I'm feeling lonely and sad and that I'm fed up with school and everything around this and this whole country sucks and I don't wanna go through this every fucking day...maybe I just need some vacations!...but I don't know if it helps against this empty feeling inside...I JUST WANT MORE OF THIS FUCKING SHORT TIME OF MY LIFE!!! forever teenage crisis...maybe I just haven't managed them since...
I don't know, why I'm sooooo down...Everything is sucking...although noone really treats me bad or something...it's just a feeling...sometimes I just wanna sit down and cry...thought that shit is over (maybe I'm deep inside still a fucking emo). I love my baby and my baby loves me, so whatthefuck?...I should be happy...but it has nothing to do with it...I can't explain this deep feeling of being down and out, so that you wanna cry and also this longing for people that I hold so dear and are so far away...On the other hand I'm unable to communicate...It's something from before, from my past, a mechanism that tells me:no you can't bother other poeple, if you are feeling irrationally down like this, cause you obviously have no real problems...the other people are always in big shit...that's not good...can't help 'em and this makes the situation even worse...vicious circle...
Fact is, that I'm feeling lonely and sad and that I'm fed up with school and everything around this and this whole country sucks and I don't wanna go through this every fucking day...maybe I just need some vacations!...but I don't know if it helps against this empty feeling inside...I JUST WANT MORE OF THIS FUCKING SHORT TIME OF MY LIFE!!! forever teenage crisis...maybe I just haven't managed them since...
Sonntag, 20. Mai 2007
Freigänger im offenen Vollzug
school is breaking me down...can't believe that I still have to go another seven weeks there. Although it's still quite easy and the hard stuff still lies ahead...I'm in a kind of depressive mood.Everyday getting up at 5.30 makes me totally bleeding out.Always tired, running on low battery and weekends or going out anyway is little fun with that constitution...I find myself very often alone, can't spent much time with sweet baby L. cause she's working/sleeping when I got free. school on saturday is the worst.shit!only one day for regeneration ain't enough!
I can't make much out of the people in my class/at school...different worlds.I'm an outsider anyway: don't live there on the compound, don't eat there, don't have coffee with them, don't have any money .... don't have a secure job.... But even if I had full service in that fucking school, I wouldn't hang out with those guys...it would be totally drama...I would go crazy...maybe I would break out and run away...It's really like jail there...
I'm also missing my friends and thinking a lot of people...mostly from HB...or somewhere deep from my past...I also dream very often of my father....sad story...and I'm actually worrying about two people, one is a very good friend, who is living far away and has really fucking emotional and social problems, which reminds me on the same shit going on with me in that fucking city...and another one is my only friend at that school and she's not doing very well, so she wasn't there yesterday and I tried to phone her, but she ain't answering...I hope she's recovering really soon, maybe she's back tomorrow? She's the only one who is showing some kind of interest in my person and she's a very interesting person,too ; needless to mention an extra nice one;) I think this school situation is to her three times harder than to me...if you're young, your friends far away, locked up in a fucking village, no place for your own...that's crazy!
the teachers are such jerks, I can't stand their liberal humour and '68 pseudo-rebellious attitudes...fuck! The more I think about this situation, the more I hate it...there are not really many things that keep me from fucking up completely...I spend the breaks mostly alone, trying to read (and understand...) Adorno, Marx, Foucalt, Arendt,... which is really kind of difficult, because I'm mostly so fucking tired that I fall asleep while reading, or have to read one and the same page again and again...today was sunny and really hot. I went to my place in the woods, where I was drawing a little....I just don't have much time for doing something for my own. that was kind of good, the fresh air, the cool breaze in the woods...smell of trees and stuff, squirrels, birds, big Bugs...but I also was down all the time, because I always thaught: this has to be forever...and I want my friends around me...and most of all my sweet girl L....and I was thinking about all this shit I wrote above...and that I can't cope with the people at school, because I can't participate in their world of expensive books, opera, theatre and I DON'T FUCKING WANT IT !! ...no one is born to be a slave, working all the time and a fucking authority above him, says: yes I give you money to survive, or no I let you hunger! If this society doesn't let me participate I'll go and get my share by my fucking self!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!
sabotage and denial...STRIKE BACK!!
I can't make much out of the people in my class/at school...different worlds.I'm an outsider anyway: don't live there on the compound, don't eat there, don't have coffee with them, don't have any money .... don't have a secure job.... But even if I had full service in that fucking school, I wouldn't hang out with those guys...it would be totally drama...I would go crazy...maybe I would break out and run away...It's really like jail there...
I'm also missing my friends and thinking a lot of people...mostly from HB...or somewhere deep from my past...I also dream very often of my father....sad story...and I'm actually worrying about two people, one is a very good friend, who is living far away and has really fucking emotional and social problems, which reminds me on the same shit going on with me in that fucking city...and another one is my only friend at that school and she's not doing very well, so she wasn't there yesterday and I tried to phone her, but she ain't answering...I hope she's recovering really soon, maybe she's back tomorrow? She's the only one who is showing some kind of interest in my person and she's a very interesting person,too ; needless to mention an extra nice one;) I think this school situation is to her three times harder than to me...if you're young, your friends far away, locked up in a fucking village, no place for your own...that's crazy!
the teachers are such jerks, I can't stand their liberal humour and '68 pseudo-rebellious attitudes...fuck! The more I think about this situation, the more I hate it...there are not really many things that keep me from fucking up completely...I spend the breaks mostly alone, trying to read (and understand...) Adorno, Marx, Foucalt, Arendt,... which is really kind of difficult, because I'm mostly so fucking tired that I fall asleep while reading, or have to read one and the same page again and again...today was sunny and really hot. I went to my place in the woods, where I was drawing a little....I just don't have much time for doing something for my own. that was kind of good, the fresh air, the cool breaze in the woods...smell of trees and stuff, squirrels, birds, big Bugs...but I also was down all the time, because I always thaught: this has to be forever...and I want my friends around me...and most of all my sweet girl L....and I was thinking about all this shit I wrote above...and that I can't cope with the people at school, because I can't participate in their world of expensive books, opera, theatre and I DON'T FUCKING WANT IT !! ...no one is born to be a slave, working all the time and a fucking authority above him, says: yes I give you money to survive, or no I let you hunger! If this society doesn't let me participate I'll go and get my share by my fucking self!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!
sabotage and denial...STRIKE BACK!!
Donnerstag, 3. Mai 2007
shitmachine is rolling on
todayIi was trapped in german "Zukunftsangst" the "fear of near future"...I still haven't received my money from the authorities and I didn't know why, couldn't call anyone, cause nobody was answering the phone, was fearing about not paying my rent, about not to be able to buy me a ticket to get to my school in the next two months, that we get evicted, etc. How ridiculuos! Not that I'm thinking about starving to death or anything else in first place!... This all got mixed up with the rumours that the shop will be shut down in the next weeks, while I'm attending school.So when I'm back from booksellers-school, I'll have no shop where I can continue my apprentienceship.I know that "they" will help me to get one, because the "Amt" has already invested much too much in me, but I like this shop very much and I like my boss (yes, I know, that's counterrevolutionary) and I sometimes like my co-worker although she's a dreadful example of today's humanity...;)
So I don't want to start in another one...it just can get worse! fuck!...in the end "they" managed to reach me at the shop and I have a date tomorrow at the welfare-office, where they hopefully gonna give me my lousy bucks. AND YOU KNOW WHY ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!! - because they fucked it up and the person who's responsible is on vacation or ill, one says this, the other that....I mean for those I'm just a "case", a file, I mean, yes, I'm not so dumb not to know this, but sometimes it is amazing how openly they let you feel this...yes, I mean, that's better than the other comedia, they played with me (and millions of others...). The really fucked up thing is, what all this shit can start in you mentally. It's a fucking psycho-ride...everything is about losing all you've got...but just materially...I mean, this shit can't take away my sweet love, my friends, my ideas, my personality, the straight edge;), my experience of life, (love and regret...;)),my (sub)cultural background...you know, everything what's I'm about!! But you really need a moment to sit down and let come this into your mind AND THAT'S WHAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS SHIT!!!!!
So I don't want to start in another one...it just can get worse! fuck!...in the end "they" managed to reach me at the shop and I have a date tomorrow at the welfare-office, where they hopefully gonna give me my lousy bucks. AND YOU KNOW WHY ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!! - because they fucked it up and the person who's responsible is on vacation or ill, one says this, the other that....I mean for those I'm just a "case", a file, I mean, yes, I'm not so dumb not to know this, but sometimes it is amazing how openly they let you feel this...yes, I mean, that's better than the other comedia, they played with me (and millions of others...). The really fucked up thing is, what all this shit can start in you mentally. It's a fucking psycho-ride...everything is about losing all you've got...but just materially...I mean, this shit can't take away my sweet love, my friends, my ideas, my personality, the straight edge;), my experience of life, (love and regret...;)),my (sub)cultural background...you know, everything what's I'm about!! But you really need a moment to sit down and let come this into your mind AND THAT'S WHAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS SHIT!!!!!
Abonnieren
Posts (Atom)
