status quo

Writing these lines under the influence of Rolf Dieter Brinkmann's anger of the seventies, American Hardcorepunk frustration and fury of the eighties and a pretty good show yesterday nite. The conclusion of this all, is my own social situation: the times have certainly changed since the seventies and the eighties (even since the nineties!), but some things still remained the same: a certain dooming mood, stupidity and emptiness , maybe the things that keeps the whole shit-factory rolling and a certain disillusionement, that keeps coming and going, but also stays for a while... In my own sitiuation, the future looks bright ahead like a dying sun;)...I won't have the chance to get out of Hartz VI, even if I finish my appretienceship...which I have to, otherwise they cut me the money and I have to pay a 2000€ fine (which I can't, they should know it better...) . The shop is having a bad time, because of a fucking construction site in the whole street.That's the ironic part, the city, who gives me "the chance to reintegrate" (like if I'm some kind of ex-con or something) is killing my job...
But even if the shop will make it, they won't take me, because there's still not enough money left, to pay me a full job...So, in a week I'll attend Bookseller's school for the first time and I know that in half a year I'll go there for the second time and then there's already the exam, but I know already that it doesn't get me out of my social situation. I even can't move away from here, without any perspective or money...Well, I even don't have the money to goi out, so I'm relying to my friends to let me see their shows, giving me free drinks and so on...without that network of people around me, I would lead a totally low-life (I even wouldn't have a computer...).Well, that's just the hard facts, nothing to complain about, eh?;)
And all this in a country, where senile old fuckers like Oettinger make old nazis like Filbinger to posthume antifascist resistancefighters and the whole world is taking a big leap back into the middleages, with all this religious shit...can't wait to smell the burnt flesh from the autodafes...I mean what's wrong? Fighting religious fanatics with religious fanatism? this whole thing is a big antimodern backlash by conservative and reactionary forces, which are rooted more and more deeply in our "western civilisation"...In fact these are the roots of it and some people wanna go the way back...BUT WITHOUT ME!!!!!!!

Ode to the nipple

Been yesterday in Frank Miller's Comic-Movie "300". Technically perfect, goes along with the "Sin City" Film, although the "Sin City" comic is way better, with it's hard black and whithe contrasts.Flipped a couple of weeks through the pages of "300", couldn't get me that much...so the movie is already a way catchier...That is the cool thing about the Frank Miller movie adaptions, they are really the best.Marvel or D.C. or whatever comics are mostly shitty in comparison to the comics...
Well so much for the technical point. The story of the movie, or what you can read as a message out of it (if there really is one, because it is one big bloody slaughter without any real story, but some historical facts and myths) is like a Nazi-propagandafilm done by Goebbels and Alfred Rosenberg.The "perfect" society, like the "Volsgemeinschaft", which is strong, hard and healthy (everyone who is not gets "euthanasized", killed) and of "pure blood" defends the occident against "multicultural" "asiatic hordes" (a typical antisemitic insult) from the east.The whole "spartan" thing is filled up with fascism and the comments from the Off-voice leave you shivering...
Traitors will be killed, everything is about "blood and honor" and "free people" defending their freedom and properties against "slave people".So it is clearly that they, who fight so "fiercly and powerful" only can fall by a traitor (a crippled one) , like the german "Dolchstoss", the "backstab-myth". This movie is really about "Viva la Muerte", "Boia chi molla" and the Spartans look all like Arno Breker statuettes.
But all in all it is one big ode to the human nipple....

senselessnes

...don't know what to say...I'm full of emptiness.Like an animal I just live on sleeping , hunting for food and eating...was outside in the woods, felt good, but too much people out there and too exhausting in the heat of the day...couldn't find a pure thought for days...always have to think about profane stuff, about how to manage the upcoming days/weeks of my life. I need to get done a lot of things by next week and there is a deadline running for applying the booksellers-school...
work was always in context of easter-business and the fucking construction-site, which is driving my boss half-crazy.
Started reading T. Bernhard's "Der Umfaller", quite good, but has no breaks....reading is always like getting something done, while working it out in my head. I can't relax that much while reading if I haven't a goal ,like the next chapter or the main-goal: the end of the book. working through the pages means always working towards the end of the book.I'm always glad when I reached the end...then I can start a new one...that's the Sysiphos in me...I know that there are thousand titles waiting for me, I never can read them all, it's totally dumb in a way, but it's also the thing to get more "knowledge" or at least half-knowledge...I don't know...the interesting thing about reading, going to movies, etc. is, if you find something that has to do with yourself, that brings yourself maybe a step forward, maybe in a new direction.Whole life is filled with the search for the perfect way for yourself, everything has to do with yourself.If yourself is not in the right way, whole life is fucked.so the other half of life is filled with the struggle to push anyone, anybody, any authority away, that wants to get a hold of yourself.ACHIEVING THE AIM OF TOTALLY BEING YOURSELF AND FINDING THE PERFECT WAY IS THE PUREST MEANING OF FREEDOM....and I can tell you, any kind of religion is something that has to be overcome, because it is something that (sometimes even) aggressivly wants to get a hold of you.
...the only thing I realize, that it is Easter-time, is that I have some free days.but I worked so much and have so much shit in mind of what has to be done,etc....I just can't relax these days and do something for myself.I don't give a shit about easter-holidays. Everything is still the same, I just can sleep longer (but not better).these days are so wasted....as it goes with theses lines...FUCK YOU! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!