short break

had some free days. was good. spent most of the time sleeping...zzzzzzzzzz...easy gifts for a wheel in the machine...my sweetheart L. hadn't got to work that weekend...that was soooo damn good...spending time together is such a precious thing in modern capitalism. It's good to see that there's a life besides working/school/university (which should have been above it!) and without the fucking alarm-clock...the controlling instrument next to your bed!!
yes, this shit makes me angry, when I'm thinking about all the wasted time for others benefits...
but I'm cool now. Yesterday was a nice show at the slaughterhouse, met nice people...(and some creepy ones).xTx's band was playing.great as always, although I stood only for the last three songs on front...but that was worth it!little bit going out, little bit moshing, friends, that's all what I need to regenerate and gives me power to go on with that endless struggle, that everybody has to fight...yep, I'm sysiphos...you not?...
I met C-Y and S, which was a swell and Baby L. was asking C-Y if she wouldn't like starting a band...let's see. But she also is asking H and U, which is pretty more concrete...but well, let's see!
The creepy person I met is JB. He's a part of my past and still living in that...He told me about all this fucked up people from my town. Guys like L, B, Y, JR, JB2, G... all fucked up...still hanging around at the fountain, drunk and stoned as fuck and hang out with the village youth, they even got their Mofas back...this is really decline in its purest ways...the thought of going back there one day, while visiting my mom, sis or so, and meeting one of these fucking bastards makes me wanna puke. shit!that's a creepy vision... I hate that area so much and my wasted days of youth with assholes like them......
I didn't tell JB where I'm actually living or what I'm doing...don't want him to come around...bad memories of our times of hanging out together...I told him I would wash corpses at the clinic... so now the village knows that;) that's kind of funny...harharhar...fucking bloody dumbfuck bastards GO TO HELL!!! (well, that's where they are already...my hometown!)

folsom prison

Feeling lost, lonely, captured...depressive...school sucks! (whatelse?)
I don't know, why I'm sooooo down...Everything is sucking...although noone really treats me bad or something...it's just a feeling...sometimes I just wanna sit down and cry...thought that shit is over (maybe I'm deep inside still a fucking emo). I love my baby and my baby loves me, so whatthefuck?...I should be happy...but it has nothing to do with it...I can't explain this deep feeling of being down and out, so that you wanna cry and also this longing for people that I hold so dear and are so far away...On the other hand I'm unable to communicate...It's something from before, from my past, a mechanism that tells me:no you can't bother other poeple, if you are feeling irrationally down like this, cause you obviously have no real problems...the other people are always in big shit...that's not good...can't help 'em and this makes the situation even worse...vicious circle...
Fact is, that I'm feeling lonely and sad and that I'm fed up with school and everything around this and this whole country sucks and I don't wanna go through this every fucking day...maybe I just need some vacations!...but I don't know if it helps against this empty feeling inside...I JUST WANT MORE OF THIS FUCKING SHORT TIME OF MY LIFE!!! forever teenage crisis...maybe I just haven't managed them since...

Freigänger im offenen Vollzug

school is breaking me down...can't believe that I still have to go another seven weeks there. Although it's still quite easy and the hard stuff still lies ahead...I'm in a kind of depressive mood.Everyday getting up at 5.30 makes me totally bleeding out.Always tired, running on low battery and weekends or going out anyway is little fun with that constitution...I find myself very often alone, can't spent much time with sweet baby L. cause she's working/sleeping when I got free. school on saturday is the worst.shit!only one day for regeneration ain't enough!
I can't make much out of the people in my class/at school...different worlds.I'm an outsider anyway: don't live there on the compound, don't eat there, don't have coffee with them, don't have any money .... don't have a secure job.... But even if I had full service in that fucking school, I wouldn't hang out with those guys...it would be totally drama...I would go crazy...maybe I would break out and run away...It's really like jail there...
I'm also missing my friends and thinking a lot of people...mostly from HB...or somewhere deep from my past...I also dream very often of my father....sad story...and I'm actually worrying about two people, one is a very good friend, who is living far away and has really fucking emotional and social problems, which reminds me on the same shit going on with me in that fucking city...and another one is my only friend at that school and she's not doing very well, so she wasn't there yesterday and I tried to phone her, but she ain't answering...I hope she's recovering really soon, maybe she's back tomorrow? She's the only one who is showing some kind of interest in my person and she's a very interesting person,too ; needless to mention an extra nice one;) I think this school situation is to her three times harder than to me...if you're young, your friends far away, locked up in a fucking village, no place for your own...that's crazy!
the teachers are such jerks, I can't stand their liberal humour and '68 pseudo-rebellious attitudes...fuck! The more I think about this situation, the more I hate it...there are not really many things that keep me from fucking up completely...I spend the breaks mostly alone, trying to read (and understand...) Adorno, Marx, Foucalt, Arendt,... which is really kind of difficult, because I'm mostly so fucking tired that I fall asleep while reading, or have to read one and the same page again and again...today was sunny and really hot. I went to my place in the woods, where I was drawing a little....I just don't have much time for doing something for my own. that was kind of good, the fresh air, the cool breaze in the woods...smell of trees and stuff, squirrels, birds, big Bugs...but I also was down all the time, because I always thaught: this has to be forever...and I want my friends around me...and most of all my sweet girl L....and I was thinking about all this shit I wrote above...and that I can't cope with the people at school, because I can't participate in their world of expensive books, opera, theatre and I DON'T FUCKING WANT IT !! ...no one is born to be a slave, working all the time and a fucking authority above him, says: yes I give you money to survive, or no I let you hunger! If this society doesn't let me participate I'll go and get my share by my fucking self!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!
sabotage and denial...STRIKE BACK!!

shitmachine is rolling on

todayIi was trapped in german "Zukunftsangst" the "fear of near future"...I still haven't received my money from the authorities and I didn't know why, couldn't call anyone, cause nobody was answering the phone, was fearing about not paying my rent, about not to be able to buy me a ticket to get to my school in the next two months, that we get evicted, etc. How ridiculuos! Not that I'm thinking about starving to death or anything else in first place!... This all got mixed up with the rumours that the shop will be shut down in the next weeks, while I'm attending school.So when I'm back from booksellers-school, I'll have no shop where I can continue my apprentienceship.I know that "they" will help me to get one, because the "Amt" has already invested much too much in me, but I like this shop very much and I like my boss (yes, I know, that's counterrevolutionary) and I sometimes like my co-worker although she's a dreadful example of today's humanity...;)
So I don't want to start in another one...it just can get worse! fuck!...in the end "they" managed to reach me at the shop and I have a date tomorrow at the welfare-office, where they hopefully gonna give me my lousy bucks. AND YOU KNOW WHY ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!! - because they fucked it up and the person who's responsible is on vacation or ill, one says this, the other that....I mean for those I'm just a "case", a file, I mean, yes, I'm not so dumb not to know this, but sometimes it is amazing how openly they let you feel this...yes, I mean, that's better than the other comedia, they played with me (and millions of others...). The really fucked up thing is, what all this shit can start in you mentally. It's a fucking psycho-ride...everything is about losing all you've got...but just materially...I mean, this shit can't take away my sweet love, my friends, my ideas, my personality, the straight edge;), my experience of life, (love and regret...;)),my (sub)cultural background...you know, everything what's I'm about!! But you really need a moment to sit down and let come this into your mind AND THAT'S WHAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS SHIT!!!!!