Freigänger im offenen Vollzug

school is breaking me down...can't believe that I still have to go another seven weeks there. Although it's still quite easy and the hard stuff still lies ahead...I'm in a kind of depressive mood.Everyday getting up at 5.30 makes me totally bleeding out.Always tired, running on low battery and weekends or going out anyway is little fun with that constitution...I find myself very often alone, can't spent much time with sweet baby L. cause she's working/sleeping when I got free. school on saturday is the worst.shit!only one day for regeneration ain't enough!
I can't make much out of the people in my class/at school...different worlds.I'm an outsider anyway: don't live there on the compound, don't eat there, don't have coffee with them, don't have any money .... don't have a secure job.... But even if I had full service in that fucking school, I wouldn't hang out with those guys...it would be totally drama...I would go crazy...maybe I would break out and run away...It's really like jail there...
I'm also missing my friends and thinking a lot of people...mostly from HB...or somewhere deep from my past...I also dream very often of my father....sad story...and I'm actually worrying about two people, one is a very good friend, who is living far away and has really fucking emotional and social problems, which reminds me on the same shit going on with me in that fucking city...and another one is my only friend at that school and she's not doing very well, so she wasn't there yesterday and I tried to phone her, but she ain't answering...I hope she's recovering really soon, maybe she's back tomorrow? She's the only one who is showing some kind of interest in my person and she's a very interesting person,too ; needless to mention an extra nice one;) I think this school situation is to her three times harder than to me...if you're young, your friends far away, locked up in a fucking village, no place for your own...that's crazy!
the teachers are such jerks, I can't stand their liberal humour and '68 pseudo-rebellious attitudes...fuck! The more I think about this situation, the more I hate it...there are not really many things that keep me from fucking up completely...I spend the breaks mostly alone, trying to read (and understand...) Adorno, Marx, Foucalt, Arendt,... which is really kind of difficult, because I'm mostly so fucking tired that I fall asleep while reading, or have to read one and the same page again and again...today was sunny and really hot. I went to my place in the woods, where I was drawing a little....I just don't have much time for doing something for my own. that was kind of good, the fresh air, the cool breaze in the woods...smell of trees and stuff, squirrels, birds, big Bugs...but I also was down all the time, because I always thaught: this has to be forever...and I want my friends around me...and most of all my sweet girl L....and I was thinking about all this shit I wrote above...and that I can't cope with the people at school, because I can't participate in their world of expensive books, opera, theatre and I DON'T FUCKING WANT IT !! ...no one is born to be a slave, working all the time and a fucking authority above him, says: yes I give you money to survive, or no I let you hunger! If this society doesn't let me participate I'll go and get my share by my fucking self!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!
sabotage and denial...STRIKE BACK!!