senselessnes

...don't know what to say...I'm full of emptiness.Like an animal I just live on sleeping , hunting for food and eating...was outside in the woods, felt good, but too much people out there and too exhausting in the heat of the day...couldn't find a pure thought for days...always have to think about profane stuff, about how to manage the upcoming days/weeks of my life. I need to get done a lot of things by next week and there is a deadline running for applying the booksellers-school...
work was always in context of easter-business and the fucking construction-site, which is driving my boss half-crazy.
Started reading T. Bernhard's "Der Umfaller", quite good, but has no breaks....reading is always like getting something done, while working it out in my head. I can't relax that much while reading if I haven't a goal ,like the next chapter or the main-goal: the end of the book. working through the pages means always working towards the end of the book.I'm always glad when I reached the end...then I can start a new one...that's the Sysiphos in me...I know that there are thousand titles waiting for me, I never can read them all, it's totally dumb in a way, but it's also the thing to get more "knowledge" or at least half-knowledge...I don't know...the interesting thing about reading, going to movies, etc. is, if you find something that has to do with yourself, that brings yourself maybe a step forward, maybe in a new direction.Whole life is filled with the search for the perfect way for yourself, everything has to do with yourself.If yourself is not in the right way, whole life is fucked.so the other half of life is filled with the struggle to push anyone, anybody, any authority away, that wants to get a hold of yourself.ACHIEVING THE AIM OF TOTALLY BEING YOURSELF AND FINDING THE PERFECT WAY IS THE PUREST MEANING OF FREEDOM....and I can tell you, any kind of religion is something that has to be overcome, because it is something that (sometimes even) aggressivly wants to get a hold of you.
...the only thing I realize, that it is Easter-time, is that I have some free days.but I worked so much and have so much shit in mind of what has to be done,etc....I just can't relax these days and do something for myself.I don't give a shit about easter-holidays. Everything is still the same, I just can sleep longer (but not better).these days are so wasted....as it goes with theses lines...FUCK YOU! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!