shitmachine is rolling on

todayIi was trapped in german "Zukunftsangst" the "fear of near future"...I still haven't received my money from the authorities and I didn't know why, couldn't call anyone, cause nobody was answering the phone, was fearing about not paying my rent, about not to be able to buy me a ticket to get to my school in the next two months, that we get evicted, etc. How ridiculuos! Not that I'm thinking about starving to death or anything else in first place!... This all got mixed up with the rumours that the shop will be shut down in the next weeks, while I'm attending school.So when I'm back from booksellers-school, I'll have no shop where I can continue my apprentienceship.I know that "they" will help me to get one, because the "Amt" has already invested much too much in me, but I like this shop very much and I like my boss (yes, I know, that's counterrevolutionary) and I sometimes like my co-worker although she's a dreadful example of today's humanity...;)
So I don't want to start in another one...it just can get worse! fuck!...in the end "they" managed to reach me at the shop and I have a date tomorrow at the welfare-office, where they hopefully gonna give me my lousy bucks. AND YOU KNOW WHY ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!! - because they fucked it up and the person who's responsible is on vacation or ill, one says this, the other that....I mean for those I'm just a "case", a file, I mean, yes, I'm not so dumb not to know this, but sometimes it is amazing how openly they let you feel this...yes, I mean, that's better than the other comedia, they played with me (and millions of others...). The really fucked up thing is, what all this shit can start in you mentally. It's a fucking psycho-ride...everything is about losing all you've got...but just materially...I mean, this shit can't take away my sweet love, my friends, my ideas, my personality, the straight edge;), my experience of life, (love and regret...;)),my (sub)cultural background...you know, everything what's I'm about!! But you really need a moment to sit down and let come this into your mind AND THAT'S WHAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS SHIT!!!!!